Could it Be Asperger's?

By K.L.

This short essay, originally an email communication, eloquently expresses the feelings of many undiagnosed or late diagnosed adults when they first contact AANE.

I am 30 and I am different. I've always been a bit odd, but it's never something I've been able to quantify. I was in a behavior disorder program at school when I was little for reasons too vague to remember, but I was in normal classes after 1st grade. I wasn't quite normal, though. What may not have been apparent to me was apparent to other kids, which made life difficult through high school. I looked fairly normal, but it was something more subtle. I've looked at the symptoms of autism and Asperger's and I really wonder now. I have some of those emotional characteristics.

The best way I can describe it is as not being completely human. I feel a bit like the android Data in Star Trek with a faulty emotion chip. The basics like anger, fear, or hatred seem to work fine, but the higher emotions that most social interaction requires are dull. I don't really empathize with people, and accepting affection is difficult. I've pursued women, usually in an awkward manner, but never had a date. I'm not even sure how I would function in that kind of relationship. That's uncharted water. Subtle things like facial expression don't register. The phrase "see it in their eyes" doesn't mean much to me because I just don't notice what's going on there. I look into my own eyes in the mirror and they seem empty to me.

I never had much interest in pets, and children may as well be aliens. At least aliens would offer fascinating knowledge about the universe. I can't really explain the antipathy toward most animals, though cats are an exception because they might be most similar to me. As for children, they're almost all emotion and I just don't make the connection. My sense of humor and ability to use language creatively doesn't seem to fit the profile, though. Humor is my only social skill that works well, but it's often interpreted as shallowness because it's my only trick and I use it so much, or seen as offensive at times. I do push boundaries with it, and often am not aware I crossed them unless someone shows an obvious reaction or points it out to me later. In many ways, I feel like a scientist evaluating and observing the world, rather than experiencing it. I've always thought I was just maladjusted, or that my childhood experiences made me peculiar. I hadn't considered that it might have been the other way around. How do I know for sure, and then what do I do?

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